John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just high enough for therapy.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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