Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
