You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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