i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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