is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
