I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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