Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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