you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
