Is it normal to miss your booty call?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
