hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
