I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
you never un-have a 4some
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
