Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
