I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
