What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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