i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
