just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
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