I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Randomize
