You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I am available for nakedness
Randomize
