theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
