i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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