Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
