I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
