My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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