I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
