filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
