I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
