I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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