Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
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