What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
