I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I believe in your delicious
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
