well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
