did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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