No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
