you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
