There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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