he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
