Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
