If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
