Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
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