i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
