life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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