omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize