I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
