"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I don't deserve a penis
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
