I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
