felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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