hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
