i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
