chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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