sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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