Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
