3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
