So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
