Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize