So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
