There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
