I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
