Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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