she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
