Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
