Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
