he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
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