omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
