Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
