Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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